We started trying to have a family in July 2005. It became evident by March 2006 that it wasn't going to happen naturally for us. From July 2005 until May 2009 when our son came home to us, every single Mother's Day was torture.
I was jealous and sad and mad. It was like every time I turned on the TV some woman out there was getting flowers or jewelry or love from her kids while I sat wondering when it would be my turn, wondering why all of those other women got to have kids but I didn't. What had I done to be punished like this? Didn't God know that I already knew how to be a mom? What gave?
Even in those dark moments, I found ways to be thankful. I was grateful for my own mother who is alive and well and one of my dearest friends. My mom lost her mother when she (my mom) was pregnant with my oldest brother, when my grandma was only 47 years old. I gave thanks to have my mother who has comforted me and given me shelter my whole life, especially during that time of my life.
Still, the grief and sadness that revolved around Mother's Day was incredible. The jealousy stirred me to the bone and made me REALLY uncomfortable. The anger is still indescribable. I wasn't angry at mothers; I was angry at God that I wasn't one yet, and I was angry that we were having to wait what seemed like forever to have a child.
So, for all of you soon-to-be-mothers out there (whether you know it or not), I have been there. I get it. What you are experiencing and feeling is yours alone. I know what it is like to feel sad and mad and frustrated and alone. You are not alone. I am here for you, and LOTS of other people are there for you too.
What I found in my sadness, once I decided to open up about it, is that there are MANY other people out there who feel sad and lonely and jealous, too.
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