What "kind" of adoption can you have?

*Disclaimer: I am not in favor of a completely open adoption as it is defined below.  I am also not in favor of a totally closed adoption. The purpose of this post is to educate as well as to give my perspective on the various "kinds" of adoptions that exist.*

Back in the 'olden' days, most adoptions were closed.  That meant (and means) that there is no contact at all between birthparents and adoptive parents.  *There were many, well-intentioned reasons for this type of adoption many of which seemed to revolve around the child: allowing the child to think that his adoptive family was his family, and helping the child not get too confused about who's who.  Over the years, the adoption world changed, as did society (or was it the other way around?), so the theories about closed adoptions and its impact on adopted children changed.

In comes the "open" adoption trend. According to adoptionhelp.org, open adoption "includes the birthparents and adoptive parents meeting one another, sharing full identifying information, and having direct access to ongoing contact over the years." (Silber & Dorner, Children of Open Adoption, Corona Publishing, San Antonio, TX, 1990)."

Obviously, this is the complete opposite of what had been done in the adoption world.  The pendulum didn't just swing; it shattered the clock, the glass, and everything in its path. Today, open adoption is THE accepted practice.  

What is most interesting to me, someone who does research for a living, is that there is no actual proof that open adoptions provide any benefit to either the birth family, the adoptive family, or the adopted child/ren.  All that is available is anecdotal evidence (stories) that the adoption professionals tell:

Social worker: "It's just really great for everyone."
Us: "Oh, really," we asked.  "How do you know? Do you have resources you can give us?"
Social worker: "Um, sure. Here's a book."

And the book was full of stories (anecdotes) about how great open adoption is.

So, what's an academic gal to do? Call on her university librarian!  With the help of my amazing librarian, I had heaps of research within about 24 hours of requesting it.  How can I summarize the almost 200 pages of research I read in the summer of 2008? Here's how: Parents should not lie to their kids about being adopted.  That's it.  Within the 200 or so pages of research, the ONLY conclusive statement made was that parents should not lie to their kids about being adopted.  Everything else was either anecdotes or inconclusive.

There is a middle ground called "semi-open adoption," and that is where we fall with our kids' birthparents.  We have semi-open adoptions.  What these consist of is, in our case, monthly or quarterly email updates with pictures.  That way, our birthparents know that their biological children are doing well, and we keep the lines of communication open.  With our son's birthmother, we have a close relationship.  She is not involved in our daily life, but she knows who we are, where we live, and what we do for a living.  We did not start out this way, however.  Over time, though, she has respected the boundaries (yes, boundaries--not a very PC term in the adoption world, I might add), so we have eased up on those boundaries.  Our daughter's birthparents requested an closed adoption which we did not want but respected.  After almost a year, they requested to meet us and our daughter.  We obliged and had a LOVELY time.  In fact, as we were taking leave of them, I said, "In another life, we could all be friends."  And it's true.  They are very cool people, are about our age, and hold the same values and have the same priorities we do.  Since that meeting, our relationship has returned to monthly or quarterly emails (depends on the time of year and how busy I am) and updates.  They do not know where we live, what our last name is, or what we do for a living.  We are OK with that for now.

It is an incredible gift to be in touch with our birthparents.  There is no denying it.  However, we did NOT want an open adoption thrust upon us, and we were not going to be guilted in to committing to one.  You see, the "kind" of adoption you have is NOT legally binding.  So, you can agree to an open adoption, go back on your word, and cut off the contact.  We could never fathom doing that, so we were up front right away.  That meant waiting longer than some people we know because we were not willing to have an open adoption.

As I've said in an earlier post, the choices we make in adoption are as individual as the individuals who decide to adopt.  For us, open adoption was not an option, absolutely not in the cards.  That is not to say, though, that we wanted NO contact.  We just needed to be able to craft and determine the relationship at our own pace after having established a bit of a relationship with the birthparents.  To be guilted in to a lifelong OPEN adoption relationship with people we didn't even know just wasn't possible for us.

  

In the end, sticking to our guns worked.  We now have adoption situations that work for us, that work for our kids (so far), and that work for the birthparents.  After all, that's all that really matters.

*These reasons are based on some reading I did back in 2008 when learning about closed, semi-open, and open adoptions.*